Breaking the Silence
Every trauma survivor knows about silence – the dead stillness in the house at night that wraps its cold arms around the silent soul of a child who is too afraid to cry out. The silence of family members who either know, or at least suspect that something isn’t quite right with their loved one, respond with nothing but more silence out of fear, shame, or simply not knowing what to do or say to help. The silence of friends who, when they know we have suffered some deep tragedy or loss, turn and look the other away. The silence of the sufferers themselves as they fear judgment, shame, or being misunderstood by those they need most.
Silence is often the protective device of choice for those who have learned that breaking silence can be a dangerous thing; and yet, unless the long silence is finally broken at last, the secrets that remain intact will continue to keep the captive bound up and far from healing.
If breaking the silence is indeed the way to healing, what keeps the walls of silence so intact? What is it that those who have experienced trauma and abuse come to believe that keep them locked in their prisons of mute despair? This is something that both those who are struggling with this issue and those who would come alongside them to help must be willing to consider carefully.
If those who are bound are to break free from the fetters that hinder the freedom God intended for all of His people to enjoy, the first step is to begin by asking, audibly, the questions that demand an answer. Silence must be broken. Unless that occurs, unless there is first a willingness to seek out (and hopefully find) a trustworthy listener and then to speak the heart’s fears, questions, pains, hopes, and dreams, the answers the heart craves will continue to elude the would-be seeker.
For too many, the cruel lessons about keeping silent have been reinforced again and again, not only by those who caused their pain in the first place but also by well-meaning friends and family who simply are ill-equipped to help. Until telling the stories of present conflicts and past experiences related to trauma is acceptable, however, healing cannot occur. Those who are hurting need to be free to share their hearts, weaknesses, fears, and concerns somewhere other than a professional therapist’s office – though that may certainly be the needed place to start. Healing will best take place within the context of healthy relationships and can only occur in the midst of an atmosphere of unconditional love, acceptance, and safety.
In Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You, Dr. James Friesen (2000) stresses this very concept. He clearly reminds us that growth, repair, maturity, and faith development are all intimately tied to such relationships. We all need other people to achieve wholeness in a fractured world, and yet we remain silent and hidden and trapped in our pain, sometimes most alone in a crowd. Why? We hide behind well-practiced smiles and surface politeness because we believe that speaking aloud what we see or feel inside would risk the condemnation, criticism, and rejection we so intensely fear.
The psalmist expressed it well when he wrote again and again of the intense pain that such silence brought.
“But when I was silent and still,
not even saying anything good, my
anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me,
and as I meditated, the fire
within me burned….” (Ps 39:2-3 NIV).
Silence must be broken. Internal pain and despair must find a safe outlet. The concept of joy, so foreign to so many, must be introduced within the loving context of the body of Christ. If that is not where you are in your life right now, though, please find another way to break your silence! Find what I call a credible witness, someone who can relate to your pain and situation, so that you do not have to stay in it alone. Be brave. Launch out and trust someone with your story. Pursue health and wholeness. Healing is possible!